Crusty The Flying Dork
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Updated on 3/14/2002
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Try your hand at Crusty's
Bible Quiz!
The First Family
| Top 11 Things Not To Say To A Policeman | |
| 11. | Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. |
| 10. | Aren't you the guy from the Village People? |
| 9. | Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! |
| 8. | Are you Andy or Barney? |
| 7. | I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. |
| 6. | You're not gonna check the trunk are you? |
| 5. | I pay your salary! |
| 4. | Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too! |
| 3. | Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. |
| 2. | I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. |
| 1. | When the Officer says "Gee Son...Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating donuts? |
| Top 10 Reasons To Not Bathe | |
If
you took the same excuses that people use for not going to church and
apply them to other important areas of life, you'd realize how goofy
the reasons really are. |
|
| 10. | I was forced to as a child. |
| 9. | People who make soap are only after your money. |
| 8. | I bathe on special occasions like Christmas and Easter. |
| 7. | People who bathe are hypocrites - they think they are cleaner than everyone else. |
| 6. | There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best. |
| 5. | I used to bathe, but it got boring so I stopped. |
| 4. | None of my friends bathe. |
| 3. | The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer. |
| 2. | I'll start bathing when I get older and dirtier. |
| 1. | I don't have time to bathe. |
| PASTORS' GOOD NEWS / BAD NEWS |
| Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river. Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current. |
| Good News: The Women's Group
voted to send you a get-well card. Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30. |
| Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the
way you wrote it. Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position. |
| Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches
things exactly the same way you do. Bad News: The choir mutinied. |
| Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game. Bad News: They beat your men's softball team. |
| Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking. Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage. |
| Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three
weeks. Bad News: You were on vacation. |
| Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a
surprise visit. Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to "decorate" your house. |
| ACTUAL 'DEAR GOD' LETTERS (Letters to God from children) |
| Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma |
| Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones you have now? Jane |
| Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan |
| Dear God, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? Neil |
| Dear God, Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce |
| Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am) |
| Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Bruce |
| Dear God, If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton, because I hate her. Denise |
| Dear God, I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. Sam |
| Dear God, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth |
| Dear God, I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying. Elliott |
| Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it. Nan |
| Dear God, Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best. Rob |
| Dear God, My brother told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right. |
| Dear God, If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes. Mickey |
| Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. Sincerely, Donna |
| Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already. Charles |
| Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! Eugene |
| Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. Larry |
| What My Mother Taught Me |
| 1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home." |
| 2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING.... "You are going to get it when we get home!" |
| 3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!" |
| 4. My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, your not going to the store with me." |
| 5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." |
| 6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job." |
| 7 My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." |
| 8 My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." |
| 9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS... "You're just like your father." |
| 10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?" |
| 11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand." |
| 12. And my all time favorite... JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like." |
| Crusty's Top 10 | |
| Top Ten Signs You May Not Be Reading Your Bible Enough | |
| 10. | The Preacher announces the sermon is from Genesis ... and you check the table of contents. |
| 9. | You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's. |
| 8. | You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out. |
| 7. | Your favorite Old Testament character is Hercules. |
| 6. | A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible. |
| 5. | You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents. |
| 4. | Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?" |
| 3. | You think the Minor Prophets worked underground. |
| 2. | You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to First Condominiums. |
| 1. | The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors." |
| Don't Make Me Laugh |
| A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed
them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping." |
| A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy
father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches
us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one
little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." |
| A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!" |